I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
