I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
