I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
