I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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