She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
