I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
