Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
