she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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