It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
