You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
