So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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