we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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