I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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