Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
