Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
