I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
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But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize