Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
