Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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