You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
