I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house