Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
