I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
