He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
