why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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