***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
