I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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