just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
