I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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