I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
