I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
