So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
