just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
