my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
