dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
