not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
