Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
