I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
