So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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