i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
