Christians are straight up FREAKS
if only i could text you this smell
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
