I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
