sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
