I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
