Are we in a gay sports bar?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
