is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
