By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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