One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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