I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
