Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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