I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
