Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No subtext here. People are naked.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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