oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize