not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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