I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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