you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
