what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am naked and annoyed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
