I love black thongs
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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