Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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